A few years ago when I was thinking about what doing my PhD would be like, the writing up process seemed to me to involve hours of staring at a computer screen and wearing my typing fingers down to the bone to produce thousands upon thousands of thesis words to power me towards that 100,000 target.

The reality, as it turns out, is somewhat different. In fact, almost the complete opposite!

Part of what makes the reality less frantic than what I had imagined is to my credit. So I got plenty of writing done in my first three years so have some pretty robust drafts of chapters already. That does take the pressure off and if I were to do a word count right now with what I have I would probably not be far off where I should be. But drafts in hand does not make for a complete thesis, so a significant amount of work is still required.

Now a ‘good’ day of writing in my fourth year would go something like this… I read through a draft and because I have had time to reflect on it I am somehow able to make the links between sections and organise the words so that they now fit in a better order, adding some new material which says a lot about where I am coming from as a researcher – gradually turning a literature review of who wrote what to I think this about that because. When these good days happen they propel me forward quite dramatically. The best thing about these good days, and this is another thing which contradicts my original thinking, is that I already have the words down in a previous draft, so all I am doing in actuality is editing, updating and clarifying what is already written, essentially a glorified copy and paste job!

If each day was as productive as the one I have just described, then I would have submitted my thesis some weeks ago. The reality is that there is something inside me, and so I am told everyone who does a PhD, that compels me to avoid such days and to be unable to concentrate on the matter in hand.

Another misconception I had was about writer’s block. I always envisaged writer’s block as being the frustration of staring at a blank page and not knowing how to get started and not finding yourself in the zone where words just seem to flow effortlessly. The reality is that it is possible to have thousands of words in front of you and for your brain to be so scrambled that you cannot get anything done with them. But the truth is that editing is a stop-start process, it is precisely the opposite of getting into that elusive writing flow. But for obvious reasons, you can see why in a ‘writing up’ year that finding yourself unable to do any writing when you actually want to and have no other distractions is at best a little disconcerting, but truthfully, is the most frustrating time of your life!

Difficult things in life are difficult, and we recognise them as such. Rewriting a theoretical framework chapter is a very difficult task to have to undertake, no question. For that reason alone a little procrastination is understandable and even to a certain degree expected. But in this case there is a little more to it than simply avoiding doing something which strains the brain.

What above all else does the ‘writing up’ year signify? Not, as I thought, that it would be a year where you would do lots of (endless, frantic, burning the midnight oil) writing. Instead, it signifies the end of a very significant chapter in my life. It means the end of a PhD and the end of my time in Newcastle, a city I first arrived in as a fresher nearly a whole decade ago. Given the current situation in the job market and the reality that there are no other degrees left to do (not that I would want to), it means that hanging onto the PhD offers me a little bit of security in my life. So long as I still have a PhD thesis which remains unfinished or in the processes of being written up, then I still have a meaningful purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

But if only it were that simple, just get up in the morning and write up my PhD, there’s a lot to be said for prolonging the agony. The misery continues, but only because I love it so!

I can proudly announce that my teaching, marking and associated admin is now done. I would be lying if I said that I was thrilled to return to England to finalise and distribute briefing paper feedback and then mark 50 or so exam scripts. But it’s all done with now. And, for I shall focus on the positives, it was touching to receive kind and appreciative comments from my students, it was encouraging to read a good exam answer (even though the really good ones were few and far between) and it was really good to have all my exam marking confirmed by my moderator. This is particularly exciting as it means that I am now, in Zen fashion, at one with my mark scheme. While there is a certain amount of objectivity in marking exams it is hard to pin down just what makes a 63 a 63 – it comes from within. And when your within seems to chime with the accepted norm of what a 63 should be, then you can say you’ve got the hang of this marking lark.

So, after the assorted demands on my time during January, this means that this post is my first post for 2012. Before I left Newcastle for Christmas I had to go to the library to get a new student card as mine was set to expire at the end of 2011. Oh the shame, but now I have another year on it and hopefully I will be graduated as the holder of a PhD by the time this year is out. Without too much to distract me in the coming months (teaching was a demand on my time more so than I ever thought it would be!), I should be in a position to submit by the summer. At least that is the plan, but I do feel like it will be a nigh on impossible task so am grateful for any physical violence anyone wants to inflict on me in order to make me get on with it and get it submitted! (Alternatively if you beat me up so much that I can no longer type, I’ll just have to take a holiday for the next 6 months – somewhere in the sun, mmmmm).

Not much on the agenda for 2012 other than submit the thesis. I have got some mates coming up to the Toon for a stag night next month which should be fun. I have lived in this city so long and seen so many stag parties hit the streets, it will be weird to be in amongst it! Should be fun though. We shall see what the year has in store. At this point last year I did not expect I would be going to France, Glasgow, Lisbon and Canada in 2011.

Actually, yes, Canada. So I had a wonderful time but after seeing so many people, so many places and getting over jet lag both ways I feel that after the best holiday of my life – I still need a holiday! But I did get to relax and it was good to switch off University life for a couple of weeks. My travels took me from London England, to London Ontario, Toronto, Montreal and Ottawa. I ate lots of nice things and was surprised at how much decent beer I was able to find. Among my very Canadian experiences was having Timbits at a hockey game and I did see someone shovelling snow off their doorstep using a hockey stick! O Canada, we love you!

The flight back to London, via Amsterdam was rather eventful. Someone died on the plane. The stewards tried to wake a man when we began our descent into Amsterdam but he didn’t respond. On the short hop flight from Amsterdam to London we shared the plane with the Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte! So with someone not making it across the Atlantic it was a sombre mood but nothing could dampen what was a wonderful trip but while that is not very pleasant thing, you need to stay positive and look to the future. In fact when I went through the boarding gate leaving Toronto the steward, wishing me a pleasant flight, addressed me as Mr Robinson – as I walked down the ramp I said that I won’t be called that the next time I come to Canada! So let’s get this done and out of the way.

So time for me to catch my breath!

It has been a busy term and to be honest I feel exhausted and really do need to sleep for the next couple of weeks. The PhD being the constant mistress that it is, it is quite hard to say I’m taking a break from it until the New Year. So it’s nice to have that decreed by my supervisors. I definitely feel that a chance to recharge my batteries will get me back to the kind of motivation levels and productivity I need as I have only a few months until the summer when I want to submit the thesis. With rest now I should be well placed to put this thesis to bed in 2012, which is what I really want.

Everybody as a moment at least once during their PhD where they feel despondent and feel like you will never ever finish writing it and if you do it will just sit in the library and no-one will ever read it or care. I had that a couple of weeks ago, I am not ashamed to admit. But, in the past few weeks and months I have taken encouragement from my achievements. That I have been able to present my work to an interested audience in Lisbon and that there are people out there reading my blog and watching my progress through these pages. Of course, the odd conference paper gets rejected and you see another year of students enjoying their graduation day around campus, along the way, but I should be proud of what I have accomplished this term – not least the amount of teaching and the responsibilities of module leading I have undertaken.

So, despite the occasional moments where I feel I haven’t achieved anything because of the PhD ‘Albatross’, I definitely think that I have earned my Christmas break. It won’t be all relaxing as I have marking to do but it should be a nice Christmas break. I left Newcastle last Friday to come home and spend some time at home and see my parents and my friends. I won’t be spending Christmas Day itself at home, so we had our Christmas Day a week early with presents, beer and turkey and all the trimmings.

The reason I won’t be spending Christmas at home is because I am flying to Canada for Christmas and New Year with my girlfriend. It will be nice for us to spend our first Christmas together in her homeland and to meet her family. It will be my first trip across the Atlantic and am very excited by the prospect of seeing, smelling and tasting Canada at Christmas time. Finally, could it be after all these years, a proper snowy Christmas this year?!?! I shall let you know…

During the days of Salazar’s dictatorship in Portugal the three Fs were central to his manipulation of Portuguese national identity. Upon my recent return to Lisbon, I would like to add a fourth. So the list now reads: Fatima, Football, Fado and Food Poisoning!

So by way of an update you are right to assume that I have been especially busy since my last post and, given that my last post referred to the fact that my teaching had started, there are no prizes for guessing that it is the teaching rather than the PhD thesis which has been occupying my time of late.

Being a module leader is a real responsibility. The contact hours of teaching lectures and seminars is only half the work, but that is something I feel confident about and am enjoying. I’m also looking forward to getting my teaching peer reviewed again this year. But I have also been busy organising the project groups, responding to student emails, writing the exam and I also have an undergrad dissertation to supervise which should be interesting.

But a couple of weeks ago it was nice to set my ‘out of office’ email and leave Newcastle for a few days and forget about teaching. It is always nice to go to Lisbon and the conference was definitely worth attending. Two days of ‘Portugal and International Organisations’ at the university where I spent my Erasmus year in 2004-5 was definitely right up my street! The most important thing was to meet people and to get my paper out there. I gave my talk on the morning of the second day of the conference, first thing in the morning so before the offending hotel breakfast food poisoning had taken effect. It seemed that it went down well and I seem to have passed the Portuguese scrutiny test and it sounded like what I was saying made sense with what other speakers were saying. I am also happy with the comments I received from leading academics and the interest and enthusiasm about my work they seemed to have. There is also a very distinct possibility that my paper will be published too which is all very exciting.

Conference papers do not write themselves and the feedback I have received is all positive for my thesis. But with the teaching and preparing for the conference it has been really hard to carve out some really good thesis writing time. So in my ‘writing up’ year I do feel really guilty for not getting as much writing done as I would have hoped. But hopefully I will get a decent amount done in the remaining few weeks before Christmas. What I know for sure is that 2012 is going to be a very busy year!!!

It has been a while since my last post, I have been very busy since then.

It is now October and after the one day of summery weather last week, the new academic year in Newcastle has that familiar autumnal feel about it. It is strange to think that yet another batch of freshers have arrived. It’s now been nine years since I was a fresher and the newly refurbished student’s union looks very different to how it did in 2002. To be honest, I’m not entirely convinced by the postmodern decor – but that’s just me!

I have been busy working on my PhD, sorting out your theoretical framework takes time! But I have also struggled to really get into a rhythm as I have been living in three different places in Newcastle during September while I moved out and eventually move into my new place. I got a brief weekend away in France which was so lovely, but I returned to Newcastle to a begin my ‘writing up’ year.

In practice ‘writing up’ means redrafting the chapters I have, but also just getting things finalised. I’m up for that now, I feel motivated and am really looking forward to going to Lisbon next month for a conference.

But in order to earn my keep in order to write up anything I will be teaching. And this year it won’t just be seminars, I have to take 19 lectures as well as all the seminars, set the exam question and be available for office hours. I have the responsibility of module leading. I took my first class yesterday and took another one today. Already I have had to contend with my box of module guides going missing, an unbearably hot lecture theatre and workmen digging up the road right outside my lecture theatre. Oh well, these things are sent to try us! Basically I shall be expecting the unexpected from now on!

At least my teaching is done for the week now. Which means I had better find time for some PhD work before I experience Canadian Thanksgiving for the first time. I can’t wait for that, Christmas turkey a whole two months early!!! Brilliant.

It’s now August and the new month brings great significance. Firstly, and most importantly, in the middle of August I shall receive my final monthly payment of my Newcastle University PhD studentship. After that point the money to fund the lifestyle I have become accustomed to over the last 35 and a bit months officially runs out! My teaching should get me enough cash to get me through until Christmas, and maybe a little after, but the pressure is definitely on now.

But I have not been idle of the summer and have made a great step towards getting my thesis finished by drafting the final main substantive chapter that needed doing. So I could, just about, but together a complete document now. But I will still need to redraft my theoretical framework, which does need doing urgently. Once that’s nailed, I think I’ll be in really good position. So, I am happy with the work I have been doing over July and the incentive of the cash running out helped me to get those words down. I submitted the draft, on time, to my supervisors yesterday and look forward to receiving their comments. Glad to have got this one out of the way as I was dreading writing it. It has some strong parts, but probably isn’t as bad as I think it is. I’m sure it will benefit from some redrafting though!

The second great significance of August is that after 6 weeks away teaching at a bioethics summer school at Yale, my girlfriend will be back in the country. Can’t wait for that. I’ve missed her, but it’s also made me get on with drafting my chapter and aiming to have it done before she lands at Heathrow Thursday morning. Which I did!

The third reason I am happy that August has arrived is that I have lots of fun things planned for it. The cricket against India is going well and am very much looking forward to going to the next test match at Edgbaston next week. We will be attending the first two days and that means I shall be spending my birthday watching the cricket and, doubtless, going to one of Birmingham’s fine curry houses. The fun doesn’t end there, my girlfriend will be coming down to see me the following weekend, I think she’s got plans to spoil me rotten for my slightly belated birthday. At the end of the month, I shall be attending a wedding of a friend I went to school with. Should be fun, we all managed to survive the stag night a couple of weeks ago, so I’m sure the wedding will be a good do.

Then, before I know it, it will be September again and I shall be back in Newcastle, living in a new place and looking forward to teaching and working on my thesis! Better enjoy the fun times while I still can then!

Summer, a time for walking hand-in-hand through fields and meadows, drinking beer in the sunshine beside a picturesque river, sitting back and watching an afternoon of cricket in the sun and, of course, redrafting chapters of a certain PhD thesis.

So I’ve got a busy summer ahead, which will include the usual trips to the cricket and a few beer festivals. At the moment the sun is out and it is nice weather and it has been unusually dry this Spring. But I have a very clear work schedule for the summer months and this will include redrafting two chapters and writing a new one from scratch. So lots to keep me busy! It certainly won’t be all easy living!!! Not least when the end of the summer approaches and I need to get all my teaching preparation and admin done ahead of the start of term.

In other news I am a very happy guy again. I have got to know someone truly amazing and I am very much bowled over by her. She has been a real ray of sunshine in my life and I am so happy with her. Sorry for being glum and depressed a few posts ago, everything is fine in my world again now. I do not think I have been happier and although I shall miss her over the summer, I think a happy PhD student is a good PhD student and I am relishing the prospect of getting on with the work tasks I have to do. She’ll give me the strength to get through the next few months that’s for sure!

I have also had a paper abstract accepted for a conference in Lisbon on ‘Portugal and International Organisations’ which is right up my street! And basically any excuse to go to Lisbon and hopefully I will have a lady friend to show around the city that I love! I have already started to get my Portuguese food cravings so it will be good to return to Portugal, but maybe I will satisfy these cravings in London when we go down later in the month. My new biometric passport arrived in the post today so I can now go away at the drop of a hat!! If only I had the money.

The final bit of news to update you on is the visit of Prof. Richard Whitman which I mentioned in my previous post. It was great to have such a distinguished speaker talking on a topic so close to my own interests. This meant that I got to ask some interesting questions and my supervisor made a point of asking a question that she knew I would appreciate. He was also fine company for the lunch that I was invited along to.

Anyway, I have lots to be getting on with this summer. The best thing for all concerned is for me to get on and make some progress on these chapters. Hopefully, I shall be able to write in my next post that there has been decent progress!! If not, then I will have been sat in the sun too much and might be turning a nice shade of lobster red!

I had my annual progress review this week. While I wasn’t too worried about it, I am a bit scared when contemplating the idea that this, my third progress review, should be my last! So I have been told that the end is in sight for me, and while I do feel that, the sheer mountain that needs to be climbed between now and Christmas is certainly, to put it mildly, a daunting prospect. I was also asked by my panel ‘viva’ style questions which again emphasised my progress and that I am nearing the end of my PhD. But I now know that I need to prepare thoroughly for these kinds of questions when my actual viva comes around as I was less than satisfied with the answers I gave. Officially, I am still awaiting to hear the outcome but in the meantime I have lots to be getting on with and let’s assume that when it comes it’ll be good news.

I also had cause to be pleased with my progress before entering the room of my progress panel as that morning my supervisors gave me their feedback on my chapter on Portuguese security policy which I finalised last month. While, of course, there were lots of things for me to think about and fix, overall the chapter seemed to go down well and was of the level expected and with a concerted effort to redraft it I should be able to put this chapter to bed before I embark on drafting my next chapter.

I know that I wasn’t too cheery when I made my last post, but I am feeling much better at the moment. I guess with every day that passes it will get easier and it helps to have a few drinks with my fellow postgrads which is certainly what I did on Tuesday as a few of us had our progress reviews that day so several drinks were needed. We also went on Wednesday to entertain our final New Voices speaker, Mark McNally who visited us from Leeds to give a very interesting paper. The tapas dinner went down very well I must say! The final external speaker to visit politics this academic year will be Richard Whitman who will be coming up from Bath. It will be good to hear his talk on EU foreign policy, which obviously ties in with my own research and it will be good to see Prof. Whitman again after he chaired the panel I gave my paper in Bruges. So I shall be in networking mode that day!

This week has also included two really useful workshops…

The first session was a two-hour one exploring the psychological tripwires to completing research. It was a late edition to the Faculty research training programme for this year and was led by a professional psychotherapist who has just completed her PhD. There were only about 10 of us in the room, but all of us towards the end of our PhDs. It was great to share our worries and expectations and it’s good to hear that you aren’t all alone. Really I viewed this without massive expectations but the group therapy was very beneficial. Some of it, I am inclined to say was Freudian claptrap, but the practical implications were really useful for me. Especially as it’s not been the easiest few months. I left the room and went to the pub feeling really positive and re-energised.

The other workshop the following day was on the Myers-Briggs personality type. A really fun workshop that I would strongly recommend to anyone. Once you know what personality types people are it certainly gives you a bit of an insight into what makes them tick. My own personality type seems to me to be quite accurate and puts me in the ‘old school’, I think. I came out as an ‘ISTJ’ which basically means that I am “quiet, serious, earn success by thoroughness and dependability. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic and responsible. Decide logically what should be done and work towards it steadily, regardless of distractions. Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organised – their work, their home, their life. Value traditions and loyalty.”

So it has been a week where I have learned to understand myself which should obviously help my future development. The PhD is a product of my being, it is an embodiment of my personality traits, my fears and interests that I implicitly understand. The challenge will be to make it make sense to everyone else in the world. But it is about selling me as a person!

So, what becomes of the broken hearted? With any luck they pick themselves up, dust themselves down, and get on with finishing their PhDs!

It wasn’t on my agenda to be a single man again this year and the pain of breaking up with my girlfriend I have been with through my many years as a postgraduate at Newcastle is a little too much to take. In my February post I hinted at the strains doing a PhD can have on your relationship. That was because my then girlfriend had decided she wanted to take a break from me for three months. This really devastated me and no matter what she said it sounded like she was dumping me. It’s hard not to take it personally when she decides she doesn’t want to see you or have any contact with you for a few months. I was left to get on with my work, and although every day was a struggle, I got a reasonable amount done.

I was really looking forward to coming home, to seeing her again and hopefully being able to clear the air. Ideally, to see us get back together having let her have the space to decide what she really wanted. I missed her so much and I had hoped she would have missed me. It was the longest time we had ever been apart, despite us keeping a relationship going which was long distance at times with me in Newcastle. I did not want what happened last week to happen.

She told me that she did not want to see me, that our relationship wasn’t working for her anymore and that while we were on a break she met someone else. She could not even bear to see me to tell me this face to face which was even more upsetting. I clung to the hope that things would be alright, now everything is in tatters and I feel even more hurt by her actions than I ever thought possible.

So what about looking on the bright side? Well at the point I am at in my PhD, and as I look to find a job, it is good that I will now have nothing to restrict me. I am a free agent again and can go where I please. The trouble with that is, is that I really liked the idea of settling down and wanted us to be doing this as a couple. I’m sure I shall meet someone else again, but for the moment a relationship probably wouldn’t be a good idea. But adjusting to the single life again is not easy, when everything I see reminds me of her and the good times that we had together. But after this, even good memories become painful ones when I think of her.

I am back at home for a few more weeks and then in May I shall go back to Newcastle. Down here I have family and friends to help me through this. Back up in Newcastle I know I will be able to count on the support of my supervisors and of my friends there. Over the past few months everyone has been so kind to me and supportive. I really do feel lucky. It is at times like these you learn who in your life really cares for you.

It has been a few weeks since my last update. As I proclaimed in my last post, the talking had to stop and the writing had to begin. Well, I have had a good few weeks with little to distract me from that particular job in hand and am pleased to report progress. I have two of the three substantive sections of the chapter drafted. The introduction needs doing with a lot of tricky stuff about missions and budget data to throw in, but other than that I should get it done in the next couple of weeks. I shall do my utmost to adhere to my 1st April deadline! Like I said, not much to distract me and it’s been good to get into the swing of writing again. I can even say that on one particular morning I nailed a couple of hundred words before even going down for breakfast!

Obviously devoting any considerable length of your time to writing up chapters requires concentration. And while, for the most part, the process of writing is a conscious one, I have discovered that my subconscious has also been busy helping me along.

I gave some thought to what I’ll be doing over the summer, namely reworking my theoretical framework. I remembered that a good book was ‘The Culture of National Security’ which I got out the library in my first year. Now, I realise that I am drafting my chapter on Portuguese security policy and that a book with such a title could obviously be of potential use. But I’m not quite sure what prompted me to get that book out of the library this week. Remember, I’m not going to be addressing my theoretical framework until the summer. I sat at my desk and picked this book up thinking why did I get this out, I don’t need it yet?! And I thumbed through it and realised that the chapter on NATO was exactly what I need for the section I was literally just about to write!

Now, I did read through this book some years ago but I don’t think I looked at this particular chapter. But did I bury it in the back of my mind?! And did my subconscious mind direct me to the library to get this book out months before my conscious brain thought I needed it! It was altogether very weird, but a nice kind of weird! So I guess all I need to do now is get some leads and wire my laptop to my brain and I should be able to write the rest of the thesis in my sleep!!! Nice and easy from here on in then!

Since my last post, and before the chapter drafting began in earnest, I met with all my supervisors and we sorted out a bit of a timetable for my completion which seems reasonable. They also gave me some very positive feedback on the main bit of my theoretical framework which I redid a few weeks ago. It was nice to have progress on that particular one and I also got some feedback from the talk I gave a few weeks ago.

I also had a trip down to London a few weeks ago. Officially for a talk on ‘Is Europe still Rescuing the Nation State’ which was very useful. But it was also good to meet up with a friend from home as well as to go to a nice Portuguese cafe for coffee and cake. It was also a beautiful day in London and I had some time to kill, so I did lots of walking round looking at the sights. And because it was a cloudless sky, I thought I’d never get a better opportunity to go on the London Eye. So I did that and became a tourist for a day. But a politics tourist, which means taking particular pleasure at trying to see into David Cameron’s back garden from the London Eye and getting all excited when the only celebrity I saw that day was the BBC’s Nick Robinson! Sad I know.

So, I’ve only got two weeks now before I’ll be back home again. Hopefully I’ll have drafted my chapter by then. Anyway, expect a blog post upon my return home to Suffolk for the Easter holidays.