NURL 2nds – 58
Northumbria 2nds – 20
By Murray James
A shiver-ridden gust of February bluster buffered the wise and pristine faces of the Owls as they strode out to face the Auld enemy. Hooting through a copyrighted Steven Thompson warm-up, two things were very clear: a) the back pitch at Gateshead Stadium appears to have recently been hired out by Spanish people in order to beat and execute donkeys; b) the opposition were a gargantuan rabble, exclusively made up of slobs, brutes, freaks and puddings.
As the public flocked in a clamour to the isolated vegetable patch, the Owls were shaken by one notable absence – Evo, West Midlands Geezer of the Year 1971-Present and self-professed ‘lad’ had failed to make the journey North. Fortunately, being a man of contacts, he sent his second-in-command to spur on the droves of supporters. And so it was that the ‘Solihull Slugger’ (3 Time Middle England Barfight Champion Eddie Gasior) roared the Owls into an early lead.
10 minutes in and NURL were already 3 tries up, Chris ‘The Iron Giant’ Reed with the pick of the bunch, a full-length kick return featuring multiple facial contact between his cannonball fist and several Northumbrian faces. But this exceptionally slick and energetic start went to the players’ heads, the Ninjawolves soon finding their way back into the game with 3 tries of their own, all of which featured obese, simple men, shoehorned inside a shirt 5 sizes too small.
With the Northumbrian flab still rippling, NURL saw it time to pull their socks up and jump aboard the bash train. Semite ‘Wearside’ Jack Webb was calling the shots at hooker, stealing two tries and bulleting passes to a hard working forward pack. Will Ranhahan’s 34-inch thighs pumped through tackles, Matthew Hawes’ newly aerodynamic head whistled through the yards and Sean ‘Landfill’ Howells was hitting the line as hard as he does the sandwiches.
Determined not to be left out, the backline was smashing the Northumbrian ranks all over the shop. Deep-fried kilt wearer Simon Gilmour exploded across the line and into points central, with snaggletoothed crackshot Baxter adding the extras, whilst Bruce Rigby did something.
The scores began to flow, NURL’s brutal defence shattering the solar plexi and confidence of the stocky wodgers of the Poly. Point after point notched up, the watching Owl enthusiasts grew ever more excited, revelling in such a huge merking of the trainee hairdressers, electricians and chefs gathered on the opposite touchline.
Twits and Twoos rang out at the final whistle – not just a victory, but a mauling. Our Happy Heroes were carried from the pitch to the sweetest Beerfest of the year.
The Victorious Owls (clockwise from top left; Steven Thompson, Harry Baxter, James, Bruce Rigby, Andy Hellmuth, Aiden Robson, Will Hanrahan, Sean Howells, SImon Gilmour, Dave Parker, Chris Reed, Eddie Duncan, Leigh Mcmennamearcanis, Tom Burnham, Jono Bethwaite, Dave Changleson, Matt Hawes, Adrian Adrian, Jack Webb, Sam Jacques, Dan Acton, Jason Keyes)