NURL – 50
Sheffield Hallam – 24
The Owls’ saw off stern opposition on the final day of the league season to confirm their status as the AU’s most successful team.
The Death Machine went into the match knowing a win would see them lift the league trophy and avenge the pain of the previous two years’ second place finishes, however their opponents at Cochrane park were Sheffield Hallam – the only team to have beaten the Owls this season.
It was clear from the first whistle that the Owls were fired up, with a number of thundering shots being thrown by bash brothers Joe ‘deadlift’ Dawson and DJ Dan Caparros. This early dominance was rewarded with a try thanks to the Owl’s mercurial full-back Sammy Boyd; after evading around twelve tackles the magical nomad offloaded to loose-forward Mikey Ward who scored under the posts. The tyrannous wind that swept across Cochrane was no match for the right foot of NURL’s hooker Rob Seagraves who slotted the kick with consummate ease, giving the hosts a 6-0 lead.
The Hallam drongos hit back strongly however, penning the Owls in their own half for a number of repeated sets. Despite NURL’s tight defensive line, the Hallam morons found a way through, touching down just to the left of the posts. Incredibly, their kicker converted the try, despite the fact he had clearly been subject to a frontal lobotomy prior to the match.
The match continued to be a hotly contested encounter, with second rows Jimmy Phillips and Dave Knox putting typically industrious performances.
NURL eventually made a break through mid-way through the first half; quick hands from Wacky Jack Webb opened up space for winger Harry Baxter who cruised over in the right hand corner, pushing the hosts into the lead.
The pea-brained visitors were then reduced to twelve men after receiving a yellow card for a high tackle on prop Ian McPherson. Fortunately his good looks remain unspoiled.
The death machine were beginning to fire on all cylinders by the end of the first half, racking up three tries in quick succession. The first came through the Owls’ wonky-nosed stand-off Chris Griffiths who sniffed out a gap in the Hallam defense and stumbled over the white line for the most elementary of tries. The second came from NURL’s jack-of-all-trades Jimmy Phillips, who scooted over from five yards. The third came from ladies man Myles Hudson who received a well-measured pass from stand-off Griffiths to give the hosts some breathing space as the half time whistle blew.
The second half continued to be a tight affair, with both teams exchanging bone-crunching blows in an enthralling contest. However, the Death Machine’s attacking options proved too much for the dog-faced Hallam defenders, as pocket-sized powerhouse Sam Flowers cut a clinical running line from half way to set Harry Baxter for his second try.
Despite a considerable points deficit the Hallam inbreds kept the Owls under intense pressure, scoring two pitiful tries around sixty minutes, vanquishing any complacency which might have set in from the hosts.
Luckily, the Death Machine were able to call upon their indefatigable loose-forward Mikey Ward who stopped any threat of a Hallam fight back; the muscle bound freak burst through a succession of tackles before out-pacing Hallam’s brain dead full back to score in the corner.
It was clear by this point that NURL were in the ascendancy, with sub George Matthew causing damage all over the field before skipper Liam McGeezer cut a Ste Moorecroft-esque line through the defense to score under the posts.
Eager not to be outdone by his team mates, Will ‘the Warrington walrus’ Winter started scrapping with Hallam’s pygmy hooker, resulting in a yellow card, which means that for the second time this season the walrus has been sent off for getting punched by the smallest player on the pitch.
There was just enough time on the clock for lady-boy Harry Baxter to complete his hatrick, which was, unsurprisingly, finished in the corner.
The final whistle blew and was met by wild celebrations from NURL’s players and supporters alike, who knew this would cement NURL’s status as the AU’s most successful, and more importantly, most beloved club.
This historic day, with both NURL teams winning their respective leagues, must surely be recognized with the title of ‘team of the year’. In addition, NURL sources have confirmed that Chancellor Sir Liam Donaldson believes that more resources should be allocated to the continuously successful NURL side instead of the other less-able AU teams, namely NURL’s union counterparts that have failed to record a win until this week.