INT. EDINBURGH. PUB. DAY
Two young Southern English boys, THOMAS and EDWARD (20s), walk into a busy working man’s pub. The loud pub quietens as the pair walk in. The locals eye them up suspiciously.
Edward tugs on Thomas’s shirt. He gives him a nervous look but Thomas just gives him a bold smile back.
THOMAS Can I get two pints of Guinness please?
BARMAN Yeez goat any ayy-dee?
Thomas confidently slides out his driving license whilst Edward fumbles for his. The barman examines both before serving the pints.
The pair sit in the corner of the room. Edward looks around nervously whilst Thomas triumphantly gulps his stout.
EDWARD Thomas, I don’t think this is a good idea. Mother said that I should-
THOMAS Shut up Edward. For Christ’s sake. Your mother isn’t here, is she?
EDWARD But-
THOMAS We’re paying customers, alright. No one is going to cause us any harm. We’re supporting their economy.
A half-empty glass of lager slams down on their table, proceeded by a very drunk man, STEVEO (50s).
STEVEO De fook de yeez young English conts think yeez doing in ma tavern?
EDWARD Thomas.
THOMAS Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.
STEVEO Yeez fookin’ foreign conts are askin’ for a skelp.
Steveo’s friend calls from behind him.
KEV (Laughing) Steveo here’s askin’ why yeez in Edina?
STEVEO Yeez wee sooks ah askin’ fer a wallop, Kev.
THOMAS Uhh we’ve come up early for the Edinburgh Fringe festival.
STEVEO Yeez bufties?
THOMAS I’m an aspiring director, but Edward, Eddie, he’s a writer and an actor. We’re actually students at the moment at Oxford. We’re uhh putting on a play here in a couple of weeks.
STEVEO Ahh cannae believe me fookin’ cluas. Yeez wee players.
Edward and Thomas look at each other in confusion.
STEVEO (CONT’D) What yeez puttin’ on?
THOMAS Uhh Macbeth. That’s why we’re up early. We’re trying to get some local inspiration to help our actors for their performances.
STEVEO Dee fook do ya need dat fer. Tee English ahh doin’ fooking Macbeth, Kev. Yeez are takin’ the piss aren’t yeez?
EDWARD No no. We’re not. We’re just passionate about theatre and want to learn more about this great country.
Thomas gives Edward a look as if to say ‘too much’.
STEVEO Fookin’ waste ahh teem. Yeez conts shoodn’taa be doin’ such immorality.
THOMAS How do you mean?
STEVEO Yee looky here laddy, ahh wiz always like, and me mam and her auld mam an’ aw wiz like, never go t’ da theatre cus cannae know goin’ ta corrupt ya meend n ya morals. What tee point n givin’ poppy te fookin’ actors. Da fook do tey do wiv their lives. Only conts look up ta actors cos te got nowt else on ter lives. Actors da same as criminals n dat they lie to ya face n expect fookin’ poppy for it n they’re fookin’ lazy at it man.
THOMAS I don’t know if lazy trickery is how I’d define actor. I mean many of them are professionally trained and-
STEVEO And te bampots ta go see theatre. ‘Ahh ooh te so good. Aw so good’. Ye fook. And fookin’ Shakespeare. Ahh cannae understand what te writs. Load a pish. And when he fookin’ says sumin’ comprehensible, it’s all about fookin’ swedges. His plays ah fookin’ radge man. When te killed te King cos his lassie say so, ya think he was meltit for writin’ sumin’ so mince.
THOMAS See, I would disagree.
You can see the panic in Edward’s eyes.
STEVEO Ye what?
THOMAS Actors, writers, and directors are skilled and talented, and extremely hard working. I mean, Shakespeare has taught generations after generations about how to live. How to express. How can you just ignore all of that?
EDWARD Tom!
STEVEO Te fook are yeez callin’ ignorant. Teez askin’ for a swedge. I’ll take yeez oot seed and fookin’ skep yeez.
Steveo staggers up. Kev sees what happens and jumps in.
KEV Ahh calm it Steveo. Tee laddies are causin’ nae danger. Go get aws ah pint. It’s yeez round anyway man.
Steveo eyes Thomas and Edward before staggering to the bar.
KEV (CONT’D) Sorry about him. He’s a good laddie n that. Just goes a bit radge and talks some keech after he’s got a bit steamin’. Gets ah bit a spondoolyitis. Ay’d da fookin’ sup up and get oota here whilst he’s gone walkaboots if ahh wa yeez.
EDWARD Thomas, we’re going.
THOMAS Yep. You’re right about that one Edward.
The pair hurry out of the pub.

Group: Louis Linsey, Amy Sandbach, Helena Eades, Helena Hussey, Ruairidh Watt