By Gaurav Kaushik
South Asian Heritage Month (SAHM) runs from 18 July-17 August, and seeks to commemorate, mark and celebrate South Asian cultures, histories, and communities. This year’s theme is ‘roots to routes’, and encourages people to explore the rich journey of growth and the evolving connections we make through generations.
The term “sandwich parent” describes someone who is caring simultaneously for their ageing parents and their own children. For many British Asians, this isn’t just a phase of life – it’s a constant emotional balancing act, steeped in cultural expectations, unspoken guilt, and deep, enduring love.
[image by FreePik]
As someone from an Asian background living in the UK, the role of caregiver often begins early. Respect for elders is more than a value – it’s a core part of our upbringing. We are taught, from childhood, that looking after our parents in their later years is not just expected; it’s the natural continuation of a lifelong bond. Unlike in many Western households, where care may be outsourced, in Asian families, it’s often a deeply personal, hands-on responsibility.
But what happens when you’re also raising children of your own? Navigating school runs, managing a career, keeping up with modern parenting – and then attending hospital appointments, managing medications, or translating forms for a parent whose English isn’t fluent – can stretch a person to their limits.
The Guilt That Follows Everywhere
There is a unique kind of guilt that sandwich parents from Asian backgrounds carry. It’s the guilt of not doing enough, no matter how much you do. You might feel guilty for missing your child’s school play because your mother had a doctor’s appointment. Or for not staying longer with your father after a fall because you had to get home to make dinner. You’re constantly making trade-offs, and it can feel like someone you love is always losing out.
Unlike some of our peers, we often don’t have the luxury of external support systems. Cultural norms can make it harder to seek help. Hiring carers for ageing parents might feel like failing them. Taking time for yourself might feel selfish. Even speaking openly about the stress can feel like airing family matters too publicly.
Between Two Worlds
There’s also the constant navigation between two cultural worlds. In the UK, independence is often seen as a sign of strength. In many Asian households, interdependence is the foundation. While society might encourage children to move out and older adults to live independently, we might be living in multigenerational homes – not because we have to, but because that’s what feels right.
But this also comes with tensions. Trying to raise your children in one culture while honouring the values of another can feel like walking a tightrope. Should you let your child make their own decisions, or should you guide them more closely, as your parents did with you? Should you encourage your parents to adapt to life in Britain, or protect them from the loneliness that can come with cultural isolation?
The Silent Strength
And yet, in the middle of it all, sandwich parents carry on. Quietly, we hold together generations. We translate not just languages, but entire worldviews. We cook meals, attend meetings, soothe fevers, and soothe fears, without often asking for anything in return.
It’s not easy, and it’s okay to say that. In fact, it’s necessary.
Finding Balance and Support
If this speaks to your experience, know that you are not alone. More and more, conversations are opening up about the realities of being a sandwich parent, especially within culturally diverse communities.
Here are a few small but meaningful steps that may help:
- Reach out to others in similar situations. Whether online or in local communities, connecting with people who understand can be a lifeline.
- Speak openly with your family. Let them know how you’re feeling. Care shouldn’t be a silent burden.
- Seek professional support when needed. It’s not a betrayal of your values to accept help; it’s a way of sustaining your ability to care.
Being a sandwich parent of Asian descent in the UK is more than a role – it’s a daily act of resilience. You may feel torn, but you are also deeply rooted in love, loyalty, and a culture that cherishes connection. And that is something powerful.